Holiday periods often come with high expectations: closeness, joy, harmony, togetherness. When real life doesn’t match that picture, relationships can start to feel tense. Spending more time together, navigating family dynamics, financial pressure, disrupted routines, and old emotional wounds can all surface at once.
If your relationship feels strained, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your partner. More often, it reflects something very human: two people trying to stay connected while under pressure.
The Need for Connection in Relationships
We all have a basic need for connection. At the same time, we are constantly growing and changing. Healthy relationships adapt to these changes, allowing closeness while giving each person room to evolve.
This can be difficult when growth feels uneven or unexpected. It can feel like trying to dance without knowing the next step—or like dancing to entirely different rhythms.
Our early experiences play a big role in how we relate to others. The ways we felt cared for, supported, or let down in childhood shape how we seek closeness, handle conflict, and manage intimacy in adult relationships.
We also bring protective habits into relationships—patterns we learned early on to stay safe. These patterns aren’t flaws. When we become aware of them, we can respond with more choice instead of reacting automatically.
Why Conflict Feels So Personal
During disagreements, it’s easy to focus on who is right or whose version of events is true. But this often pulls us away from what actually matters: understanding each other.
A more helpful question is: How are we experiencing this, and what do we want to move toward together? Conflict isn’t about winning. It’s about staying curious, noticing impact, and staying emotionally engaged.
How Past Experiences Shape Present Reactions
Our nervous systems are always looking for safety. When something feels threatening—emotionally or relationally—we may react from past experiences rather than the present moment.
If your reactions feel bigger than the situation, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s a signal. Pausing to ask, What part of me is reacting right now? can help create space between feeling and action.
Focus on Patterns, Not Blame
Most couples don’t face endless new problems. Instead, they find themselves stuck in familiar patterns. One person reaches out while the other pulls away. One wants to talk while the other shuts down.
These patterns develop as ways of protecting ourselves. When couples focus on the pattern rather than blaming each other, conflict often softens. This shift makes room for shared responsibility, compassion, and change.
Why Emotional Presence Comes First
When emotions run high, even good communication skills can fall apart. Problem-solving doesn’t work if neither person feels emotionally present.
Sometimes the most helpful step is to pause, take space, and return when you feel calmer. Being present—rather than reactive—is the foundation of real connection.
Conflict, Repair, and Trust
Healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free. In fact, closeness often follows a rhythm: connection, disruption, and repair. Conflict isn’t the opposite of love. Avoiding conflict, however, can slowly create distance.
Repairing after disagreement—reflecting, listening, and taking responsibility—is how trust grows and relationships deepen over time.
Seeing the Person You’re With
A strong relationship means relating to the person in front of you, not the version you imagined. This doesn’t mean giving up your needs, but it can involve letting go of idealised expectations.
When we accept each other as human and imperfect, compassion becomes easier. Understanding limitations—both yours and your partner’s—can bring more realism and care into the relationship.
Reflecting on Your Needs
It can help to ask yourself: Am I getting enough here?
If yes, you might acknowledge what’s missing while valuing what’s working. If no, it may be time to seek support—through individual therapy, couples therapy, or honest reflection about what you need to feel well and respected. Choice, rather than endurance, gives relationships meaning.
Love Is an Ongoing Choice
Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s made up of small, daily choices: listening, being honest, repairing after mistakes, and staying present even when it’s uncomfortable.
Long-term relationships involve choosing each other again and again as both people grow and change. When partners see change as an opportunity rather than a threat, relationships have more space to deepen.
Getting Support
If you’re struggling in your relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. I offer a free initial session where we can explore what’s happening, identify patterns, and talk about next steps—whether that’s individual therapy or couples work.
Contact me here if this resonates with you
References and Resources
- John Bowlby – Attachment theory and emotional bonds
- Mary Ainsworth – Secure and insecure attachment patterns
- Donald Winnicott – Emotional development and relational safety
- Sue Johnson – Emotionally Focused Therapy (Book: Hold Me Tight)
- Esther Perel – Modern relationships, intimacy, and connection